oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize