the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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