mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
