My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
