She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
