thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
