maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
