I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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