Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize