It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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