made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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