We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
