I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
