Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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