I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
