seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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