eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
