I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
