can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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