I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
