I hate your face
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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