Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
