worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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