Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize