I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
