Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
