I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
