Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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