Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize