I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
