every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
