I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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