dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
