So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
