Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
