Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
