is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
