Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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