they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
