for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
