4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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