he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
