So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
