Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
