I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
