he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
