I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
