does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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