I want to make a zoo with you.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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