she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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