I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can't put those talents on a resume
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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