I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
