She is in my trunk
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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