I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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