Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize