I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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