only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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