So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
