he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
