yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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