The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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