Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He passed out mid-signature
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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