Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
