the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
why do cheetos always look like penises
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
