i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I need moral support for this bender
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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