sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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