So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry about my life...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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