I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
